Escaflowne Jeopardy!
by Dilly-Oh
Summary: Hitomi, Van, and Dilandau are at the mercy of Allen as he forces them to participate in a horrific parody of the present day game show, Jeopardy!


Disclaimer: Uh…yeah…I don't own Escaflowne…would be cool if I did, though…totally fly around in a Guymelef...smash the damn university...stuff like that...

Author's Note: This has nothing to do with my Escaflowne Episodes. I just got bored one day and whipped it up. Ta-da! Anyway, I hope you like it.

Escaflowne Jeopardy!

The picture focused and moved in, and a catchy jingling tune began to play as the camera swung in a slow arc, displaying the stage set before a reluctantly-clapping studio audience. The set was almost elegant in its simplicity: large, bold letters spelled the name of the game (in this case, Jeopardy!) in the background, while a large podium emblazoned with Jeopardy! on the front stood in the left hand corner. Several other similar podiums littered the fore ground of the right side. Lights shone over the set and the music began to die down as the host of the show smiled at the camera from his vantage point.

Allen Schezar, in all his prissy glory, stood behind the main podium, waving his arms enthusiastically to the cheering crowd. Twirling in place, making his long, flowing locks shine in the light of the studio, he bowed to the crowd. Placing a hand on the desktop, he smiled dazzlingly.

"Hello everyone," he began in a charming tone, "and welcome back to Escaflowne Jeopardy. This may seem strange to you, but the author of the Escaflowne Episodes just got bored and had some free time on her hands and…viola! We humbly appear before you now. All right! Time to get this show on the road! We now move onto the second part of our show, Double Jeopardy! Contestants, please come back out and take a place at the podiums!" He waved his hand to the three other podiums mirroring his own that stood a small ways away to the right of the stage.

From backstage came the (unwilling) participants in this charade. Hitomi Kanzaki, the high-school sophomore turned heroine, came out first, sprinting a record time that any track coach would be proud of to her podium. She smiled shyly and waved to Amano and Yukari, who sat in the stands, yelling encouragement to her. Next to appear was Dilandau Albatou, marching smartly to his place while coolly surveying his surroundings in an arrogant, distant way that, if people hadn't been too busy drooling over him, might have found insulting. From the stands the Dragonslayers looked on, hoping their Master wouldn't lose his temper and try to decapitate all the other players. Last but not least was Van Fanel, king of Fanelia and Hitomi's main squeeze, walking out with his head held high, smiling confidently at the crowd. Merle, being his only relative/close friend left alive after the series, gave a half-hearted cheer as she shot scalding glares at the back of Hitomi's head.

Allen, who was busy winking at a pretty girl in the front row, mimed a phone with his hand while mouthing "Call me" before realizing the camera was on him again and snapped his head back to the front, a smile plastered on his face.

"Well! Here are today's contestants! We've seen what they can do in the first round, but now let's get to know them, shall we?" He glanced at several cards he had in his hands. "The first contestant is Hitomi Kanzaki, a track runner and world saver. Well, Hitomi, are you confident in your abilities to beat the competition? Being a girl and all…" He glanced lecherously at her bare legs peeking from beneath her school uniform skirt.

"I think I'll do _fine_, Allen," she flushed angrily while positioning herself out of Allen's radar, "and just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I'm stupid." She paused. "Although I wouldn't have let Yukari talk me into this if I had known _you _would be the host. What gives? I've been wondering this question all throughout the first round. Why are _you_ the host?"

Allen shook his head and waved a hand. "Hey! It was me or the Mole Man! Who would _you_ rather?"

Hitomi shuddered in disgust. "Man, that Mole Man is creepy!"

"Creepier than Alex Trebek without a moustache!" Van shot in.

"_I_ was talking to the lady, Princey! Back off!" Allen snarled, before smiling innocently at Hitomi. "So, naturally, I was chosen. See?"

Hitomi paused for a second, considering. "Well, you and the Mole Man _do _have something in common," she observed.

"And what would that be?" Allen asked defensively.

"You both go after underage girls." She stated bluntly. Dilandau snickered behind his hand and Van threw back his head with laughter as Allen's face went from a healthy peach to bright red. He cleared his throat.

"Moving on-" he began.

"He didn't deny it!" Dilandau crowed. Allen cast a seething look his way.

"Moving on," he repeated, "We have Dilandau, leader of the Dragonslayers and member of the great Zaibach Empire. So what are you today, male or female? I can never quite tell with you, what with your changing genders all the time." He gave Dilandau a smile of pure innocence.

If looks could kill, Allen would be nothing but a bloody smear on the floor. "Let me start out by saying look who's freaking talking about looking feminine. And I'm a male, so don't you go trying to get with me. Not that that would stop you or anything." Dilandau turned from Allen and looked point-blank into the camera focusing on him. "I also plan to burn this studio down to the ground after this stupid game is done, whether I win or not. Right, slaves?" He glanced back at his troops, who saluted loyally to their commander.

"What the hell are they doing here?" Van asked, confused. "I thought they were _dead_."

"And I thought I was on the fast-track to scoring with Hitomi, but here I am, so can it, alright?" Allen huffed angrily. "They're here because little Dilly needs someone to cheer his sorry ass on, so get over it. You're next. Hurry up and say something, anything, and it better not be stupid."

Van contemplated for several moments, trying to decide what it was he most wanted to say, then a smile bloomed on his face as he decided. "I got Hitomi, and you didn't." He smiled smugly and crossed his arms in satisfaction. Allen looked ready to kill someone.

"Enough already! Let's just finish this damn game! And heeere are the categories for Double Jeopardy!" He swept his arm to a large board, positioned between the two sets of podiums. The board was blue and sectioned off into different rows and columns. Atop ever column, a word(s) appeared.

"The categories are…" Allen read, "Fanelia, the Zaibach Empire, Guymelefs, the Mystic Moon, Allen's Sex Life-"

"What!" All three contestants cried in horror and disgust. "Dammit, Allen! You just _had_ to put that!" Van growled.

Allen continued on, ignoring the interruptions. "…and lastly, Dragons. Allright, any questions before we start?"

"My buzzer's broken." Dilandau stated matter-of-factly.

"What?" Allen turned to him.

"Yeah. Look." He held it up and demonstrated. "When I push this button here, there's no Crima Claw."

"…WHAT?"

"You know! It's like the button thingy in my Guymelef that I press that sends out the Crima Claw that impales Van through the heart, but that doesn't kill him…oh, no… it doesn't. I pull the Crima Claw back _out_ of him, and get out of my Guymelef. And that's when the _real _pain begins. You see, I-"

"Any more questions?" Allen asked, ignoring Dilandau as he continued with his descriptive dismembering of Van and his precious body parts. The other two contestants shook their heads. "Allright, good. Let's see what your scores from the previous round were."

Numbers appeared on the front of each contestant's podium, signifying how well they had done in the last round.

"Hitomi, you're in the lead with 7777 dollars. Following after is Van with 2000 dollars. And in last place," Allen stopped to snicker a bit, "is Dilandau, with -666 dollars." Allen turned to look at the camera. "I have no idea how the hell these scores are possible, so don't even ask."

"This stupid game is unfair," Dilandau complained. "All that psychic chick did was use her damn powers to get all the right answers. This is total bullcrap." Allen glanced at Hitomi, who looked up innocently and proceeded to hide her Tarot cards down her shirt.

"I'd be more than happy to confiscate those." Allen stated bluntly. Hitomi made a face and, quickly taking them back out, threw them behind her, hitting Merle square in the face with a yowl of protest. "Now can we please get this hell over with?"

"Gahh! Hey, host-man! Would you make these two stop _mating_ on my podium!" Dilandau was still not satisfied. Allen sighed.

"For goodness sake, Dilandau, they're just holding hands." And indeed, Van and Hitomi were. Both were suffering from severe cases of separation anxiety and so had joined hands…over Dilandau's podium, which barred the way between them. The audience "Aaaawww" ed at the cuteness of it all.

"I don't care _what_ they're doing, it's disgusting and I want them both to stop," Dilandau gagged. The lovers sighed and complied. Anything to end this stupid game quicker.

Allen, sure that the contestants would keep their mouths shut this time, slumped with relief. "Hitomi, since your (impossible) score is the highest, you get to go first. And no psychic powers this time around," he warned. Hitomi grudgingly nodded and began scanning the categories for one that looked the least stupid.

"I'll take…" she began.

"Allright! Allen's Sex Life for $400! Good choice!" Allen butted in, leaning back to read the answer.

"But I didn't choose tha-"

"Yes, you did! Now the answer here is-"

"You're a whore. I don't need psychic powers to be able to tell that." Hitomi cut in, giving Allen a blank look.

"I am _not _a whore," Allen huffed, tossing his hair. "And you don't answer like that. The correct way is-"

"Oh, I'm sorry. What is a whore?" Hitomi repeated.

"That's wrong! The correct answer is-"

"What is a perverted, gross older man who preys on young girls?"

"Wrong!"

"What is a gigolo who knocked up a-"

"That's wrong! Enough already!" Allen exploded. "Get the heck out! You're disqualified!" Hitomi smiled with glee and dashed off the set before he could change his mind and call her back. Van gave Hitomi's disappearing form a look of longing before taking a deep breath and steeling himself to win. Now that Hitomi was gone, he had to prove his manliness by beating the enemy: Dilandau.

Allen coughed, a bit embarrassed by his outburst. He frowned. Now he had a big, empty space where Hitomi had stood. Surely someone would notice. Pulling a walkie-talkie from his back pocket, he spoke into it. "Uh…yeah, hi. Look, I kinda lost another contestant. Can you please kidnap another?" A reply came, a garbled message that sounded like two pit bulls chewing tinfoil. Allen winced before answering. "Okay, I cannot understand a _freaking_ word you just said. Just get someone, anyone, and do it quick. I think I'm freaking out here." He paused, embarrassed, before continuing. "I love you." He replaced the walkie-talkie to his back pocket and crossed his arms, waiting. Soon his wish was fulfilled.

"H-Hey! What the hell are you doing! Let go of me! I did not…No! No, please! Oh, God, no! Anything but that! Dear God! Help me!" From the crowd the vampiric form of Folken emerged, dragged along by several men dressed all in black. Folken, while being a strong man, could not stand up to the might of the shady men, and so found himself standing behind Hitomi's abandoned podium. The numbers had been reset to zero, and on the flat side where Hitomi's name had been were the hurriedly scribbled words, "that freeky won-armd guy". Allen nodded in satisfaction.

"Allright. Okay. Here. We. Go." Allen stared at the three before him, daring them to try to interrupt him. Thankfully, all three wanted out of this as badly as he, so they cooperated and let him take over. "Van, pick a gosh-darn category." Van looked up.

"I will pick Fanelia for-"

"Why the hell do we even have that stupid category?" Allen cradled his head in his arms as Dilandau continued his tirade. "I burned that little crap-town to the ground like, fifty friggin' years ago! Who the hell even cares about it?"

Van gasped in indignation. "You take that back! Fanelia is _not_ a little crap-town, you pansy-ass son of a-"

"You wanna try me, Fanel! And who're you calling a pansy, you scrawny little-"

"BOYS!" Allen roared above them both, "ENOUGH! If there are gonna be _any_ pansies here, it would be ME, okay! Let's go to another category."

"Does he even realize what he just said?" Folken whispered to Dilandau, who shrugged, not caring. Allen, however, heard his little comment and decided that he had had enough.

"You know what? Let's just skip all this. That's right, _skip it_. We're going to Final Jeopardy, everybody! Thank God!" All the contestants (and the audience, too) sighed in relief and thought that maybe Allen wasn't such a bad guy after all. "Oh, my." Allen said, eyes widening in delight. "Dilandau, it seems that your score is too low, so I'm sorry to say that you are…"

Dilandau met Allen's gaze with a dangerous glint in his eye.

"…still here." Allen finished, swallowing hard. Dilandau smirked in triumph. He needed that prize money for that new pair of boots he wanted. Allen cleared his throat. "And here is the answer for Final Jeopardy!" On a large screen off to the side, several words appeared. They read "Why is Allen Schezar so Awesome?". The contestants and audience groaned in annoyance, all taking back their previous thought of Allen being okay. Several seconds passed, wherein the camera faded and began performing several dynamic swoops along with the returning jingly, catchy tune. When the music faded out and the screen brightened, Allen strode from his podium to the contestants, eager to end this pointless charade.

"Okay, everyone. We will now be able to see what the contestant's answers were as well as their wagers. Let's get this over with." He turned to Folken, as he was first in the lineup. "Folken, I don't really see how you could have wagered something seeing as you have absolutely no money, but let's just see what you put down. And your answer was…"

On the small screen where Folken's (given) name had been appeared his answer. "_Please get me off this re-gosh darn-diculous show_." Allen smiled and wrapped a companionable arm around Folken's neck. "Don't worry buddy, you're not alone," he consoled. "Now, let's see what your wager was." On the same screen appeared the wager. "_I'm so scared I think I just crapped my pants."_ Allen jumped back about ten feet faster than you could say "There'scrapinFolken'spants" and suspiciously eyed Folken up and down. Folken's facial expression didn't change (as it normally wouldn't), but Allen wasn't about to risk anything. Staying what he thought was a safe distance away, he coughed. "Uh…sorry, Folken, but that's wrong. So…you lose. Better luck next time."

"If I'm lucky, there won't ever be a next time," Folken mumbled, shifting uncomfortably.

"Moving on to Dilandau!" Allen completely ignored Folken, desperate to forget what had just happened. "Let's see what your answer is." On Dilandau's screen appeared _"Give me back my childhood, you soulless spawns of Satan_." Allen cocked an eyebrow. The wager came into view. It was a picture of Van, along with Hitomi, Allen, and several other of the 'good' characters burning in a grisly, blood-filled inferno. The audience gasped and several people lost their lunch.

"Wow," complimented Folken as he looked at the doodle appraisingly, "it's drawn pretty good considering he did it with one of these crappy pen things."

"Yeah," Van agreed. "You can really see the pain and agony on my face, and-"

"Who the hell asked you, Fanel! Keep your mouth shut!" Dilandau barked.

"Next and (thank God) final contestant!" Allen cut in, desperate to end the torture. "Van Fanel, please, for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, show us your answer and wager." Van gave a contemplating look, then nodded. On Van's screen appeared his answer: "_Hitomi is my Ba-Zitch_.", followed quickly by his wager: "_Allen Schezar is GAY_."

"You uppity little-" Allen lunged for Van as the contestants and audience rose from their seats and ran for the exits, still remembering well Dilandau's promise to torch the place after the game was done. Not that they minded…

The End

Disclaimer: As before, I still don't own Escaflowne.

Author's Note: Hey! Hope you liked it. Please review and stuff, I really like your comments, and plus I need praise to power me while I try to work on my third chapter of Escaflowne Episodes (I'm trying really hard to do them, but I've been so busy 'cause of school. Sorry.).


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